My Thoughts......

She wears an invisible cloak. Her face is a mirror they say yet she knows of no one that can see her, sense her or can comfort her. She is perceived as vindictive yet that what she gives is only love.   They call her proud, selfish, and arrogant but it’s their perception. She feels miserable, broken within yet do not identify with the reason. Deep within she knows she is unique and different, yet she strive to be normal. She feels far grander or less mediocre. She feels unsecure, she wear the cloak to feel acknowledged. She wants to belong, wants to be loved and she feels she is incapable of it, she wears the cloak to escape. She observes the uncertainty around, she wear the cloak of indifference. She fear rejection, she wears a cloak of acceptance. She wears the cloak of ignorance so that she sees only that she wants to. Without it she would feel being exposed, she wears it hide her innocence.

Was reading through my old journal updated sporadically during last 2 years, went through all the emotions-happy, sad, fears. Will admit reading them now, most of them brought a smile, these are the things that shape up our life. The happy memories bring a broader smile on our faces and the fears that are already over will make you feel a lot better. There are also certain situations wherein the way you dealt with is quite a surprise for you and make you feel so proud of yourself. There are certain approaches that can be applied in your current life to help deal with things in a better manner. These past archives does make you revisit those feelings which weren’t jotted down anywhere, those were just too personal to be penned down. However there is some connection there and one thing led to another and you start connecting the dots. These can be your special memories or something painful too. Remembering them make you think in what better ways you would have dealt with them. ...

A reflection. See yourself as another person. Someone you can exercise control on. Someone who is you.  You wonder as as she moves through life. Get amused at her weaknesses.  She lives on the edge. A wind would blow her life away. Yet she thrives or rather tries her luck in life. She faces innumerable challenges and hardships. She overcomes some, and some overcome her. Life continues on. But wait. She is a human. Her days are numbered. Or are they not, for her pain never seems to wither away? Only time has the answer to that. Such an overused maxim, yet appropriate for all that we go through life.

My life, I feel is far-fetched boring at this exact moment, leading to low aspirations for all the things that exist in my world. In reality the case should have been totally reversed as I am spending holidays at home with nothing to do and should have had been happy about this as it was all I wanted for a long time. I wanted to introspect and find things I need to improve on in life, wanted to spend some quality time with my friends and family, wanted to get back to writing as I find solace here. But things are not happening as per plans. Also there is nothing happening worth writing I can see and still I am full of thoughts I have to share and itching to vent it out. So there is the just me post about the usual dull ramblings about myself…  I have started living in my hypothetical world, for again after long time as I am finding it hard to comprehend people around. Some complain and some compliment, everyone has a different opinion about me and it’s not correct though at times ...

My feelings did flared up today, when I had many thoughts running stray, Without any special reason though, My eyes were flooded and tears did flow.. I just wished to know certain things, What made up stand here at the brink I cant step forward nor turn back, For a clear visibility is what I lack. Can only force a smile and have a laugh, And wish to have it from my heart, My dreams looks shattered and happiness all dry, And my hopes could now only cry. I never ever wanted to travel this road.. And that is a secret now I am trying to hold, Honesty and truth is all I ever wanted, But alas it's my life and my wishes are never granted.

Ironic it seems to me now, Never to think of anyone I had vowed, Suddenly someone took me away from my thoughts Eluding the theories which my life had bought.. It’s almost something that is killing me inside, With reflections making it too difficult to decide, Is this really what I ever wanted? Or will it too be a myth my thoughts have painted.. Going back is no more an option now, Contemplating life’s next move and getting ready to bow, Can’t really figure what to do next, Want to share all but my life is not a zest.. Will someone ever understand my feeling? Without being too forgiving, I have got nothing but just myself to present, Will it be readily accepted as a consent..